Archive for June, 2008

Female Compassion

Monday, June 30th, 2008

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, “Have you ever been fucked?”

The fellow said, “No.”

She said, “You will be when the tide comes in.”

de Montaigne

Friday, June 20th, 2008

“If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I”
Michel de Montaigne

Biker’s Dilemma

Friday, June 20th, 2008

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one

hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Hey, thanks!” the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s
take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Adult

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
stuttering she asks the sales clerk: ‘Dddoo youu hhhave
ddiilldos?’

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ‘Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.’

The old woman then asks: ‘Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk
onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess
ththiick… aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, ‘Yes we do’

She asks: ‘ Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

 

Dogs Rule for A Reason

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

I had been called  to examine a ten-year-old Irish wolfhound named
Belker.  The  dog’s owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy,
Shane, were  all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a 
miracle.  I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.  I told
the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker,  and offered to perform
the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made
arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for
six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane
might learn something from the experience.

The  next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s
family  surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog fo r
the  last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. 
Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy 
seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or 
confusion. We  sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering
aloud about  the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human
lives. Shane,  who had been listening quietly, piped up, ‘I know why.’

Startled,  we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned
me.  I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, ‘People
are  born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving 
everybody all the time and being nice, right?’  The six-year-old
continued, ‘Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have
to stay as long’.

Remember,  if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
     * When  loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
     * Never  pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

*  Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be
pure ecstasy.

*  Take naps.

*  Stretch before rising.

*  Run,  romp, and play daily.

*  Thrive  on attention and let people touch you.

*  Avoid  biting when a simple growl will do.

*  On warm  days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

*  On hot  days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

*  When  you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

*  Delight  in the simple joy of a long walk.

* Be  loyal.

*  Never pretend to be something you’re not.

*  If what  you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

*  When  someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
them  gently.