Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Cliff Claven “Beer Theory” ,from the show “Cheers”

Saturday, August 9th, 2008

one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the
concept explained any better than this: ‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first .. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient

machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers

Lost Churches of Louisiana

Monday, July 21st, 2008

Sorry, but I had to read this one twice! 

Lost Churches of Louisiana

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans . The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the New Orleans woman how such total 
and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, ‘I don’t know about all those other people, but we haven’t gone to Churches in years. We gits all our chicken from Popeye’s’.

The look on the interviewer’s face was priceless. 

I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME……..

Friday, July 18th, 2008


I did what you told me …
I sent the email to 10
or more people like you said ..
I’m still waiting for that miracle to happen
 
 
 
 To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other

promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF IT WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, gasoline vouchers or airline tickets instead?

Thank you

WWW.SHOWCASEMATRIX.COM

Female Compassion

Monday, June 30th, 2008

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, “Have you ever been fucked?”

The fellow said, “No.”

She said, “You will be when the tide comes in.”

Biker’s Dilemma

Friday, June 20th, 2008

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However,he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one

hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Hey, thanks!” the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let’s
take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Adult

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
stuttering she asks the sales clerk: ‘Dddoo youu hhhave
ddiilldos?’

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ‘Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.’

The old woman then asks: ‘Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk
onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess
ththiick… aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, ‘Yes we do’

She asks: ‘ Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

 

Quick Sex

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so
frustrated   that he went to her and said, ‘I’ll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you.’  The girl looked at   him and then said, ‘NO.’ Eddie
said, ‘I’ll be real fast.   I’ll throw the   money on the floor, you bend
down, and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked   it up.’  She thought for a
moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.  She called him
and   explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for $200, and
pick up   the money really fast. He wont even be able to get his pants
down.’ She agreed   and accepts the proposal.  Over half an hour   goes by
and the boyfriend is waiting for his girl friend ’s call.     Finally, after
45   minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘What happened?’   Still
breathing   hard, she managed to reply, ‘The bastard had all quarters

Counting…..

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ‘13…13….13…13.’
 
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.

 
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. ‘14..14…14…14….’.

Absolut Map of America

Thursday, April 10th, 2008

In this image released by the Mexican advertising firm of Teran/TBWA on Monday April 7, 2008, an advertisement created for Swedish Absolut Vodka which ran in Mexico, shows a map of the border of Mexico and the United States where it stood before the Mexican-American War of 1848. The Absolut vodka company apologized  for the ad campaign amid angry calls for a boycott by U.S. consumers.  (AP Photo/Teran/TBWA)

America the Beautiful

Sunday, April 6th, 2008

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.  Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.  The country is totally ruined, and the government doesn’t know where to start asking for help to rebuild.  The rest of the world is in shock. 
 
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. 
 
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
 
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
   
The European community  is sending food and money. 
 
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace those who were killed

 
   
God bless America!!!